The Trap of The Ideal Self

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” — Carl Jung

“If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.” Gal 6,3

Constantly striving for the perfect self is like constantly pushing a heavy boulder up the hill, pouring in effort and hoping the goal is just within reach. There are moments of euphoria—peaks of accomplishment, waves of external praise—only to be followed by bitter disappointment when an old flaw resurfaces or a new mistake emerges. Sisyphus rock crashing disappointment. That deepens our sense of inadequacy and helplessness: ‘I’m not good enough’, I will never get there’.. Sometimes it even spurs us on—if we could only try harder, we’d finally reach that perfect day, that perfect life, that perfect self.

And what does your perfect self on a perfect day look like? Bright sunshine. A rainbow stretching across the sky. A fresh breeze—invigorating but not biting—gently waking you up. A body that is strong, lean, mature yet still firm, ready to conquer every challenge. People who are supportive, nurturing, always there to listen. A flawless balance of work, fun, fulfilling hobbies, and meaningful connections. Floods of likes on your LinkedIn posts. Viral Instagram reels showcasing your expertise. A calm, confident presence around your family—especially the little one and your stressed coworkers. You radiate compassion, clear boundaries, wit, passion, and serenity in every sentence. Everyone adores you. Oh—and you just landed that contract for the idea book you conceived during that survival camp in Thailand. Bliss that never bores, an open window bringing in the perfect level of stimulation. You are everything, in every second—swallowing life whole with constant awe and joy. And by the way, you live on a Greek island with your perfect hot husband.

Dreams of the perfect life and the perfect version of ourselves are woven into our human experience. They propel us forward when the weather is lousy and pain is our constant companion. They lift us when we feel stuck—when we sense we’re not living up to our potential. Dreams give us hope that better is possible.

But what happens when these expectations, dreams, and visions morph into a tyrannical voice—whispering, “This is the only worthy place,” or “This is my only worthy self”? When they cloud our connection to the present, to ourselves, to our journey.

Utopia. Delusion. More ache.

Synonyms for ‘ideal’: perfect, model, idyllic, supreme, exemplar, epitome.

Synonyms for ‘real’: actual, tangible, genuine, authentic, true, valid, existent, bona fide (my favourite—used in court which also means “in good faith”)

The ideal self is almost never there. What we have in abundance, though, is our real self: flawed, raw, messy, undisciplined, underachieving, impatient, selfish… and also beautiful, surprising, loving, creative, persevering, rising when the going gets tough, alive, real. Add your own words here—both for what you berate yourself over and for what you may not notice enough.

It’s a truism that we live in an imperfect world. Yet we so often demand perfection of ourselves, naively believing—like Sisyphus—that if we muster enough strength, we’ll push that rock to the summit and finally rest. We’ll bridge the gap between our average existence and the land of milk and honey.

It’s exhausting to expect so much from ourselves. We barely catch a break. We busy ourselves watching other people’s “ideal” lives—because, of course, everyone else worth watching has already achieved that perfect life. They’re sailing on yachts or scaling mountains in the coolest gear—while we feel like failures and imposters.

And in the process, we miss life here and now. We overlook the beauty in a moment, achievements that don’t conform to social convention, the small and the large joys, the pain that begs to be felt and understood. We disconnect from our real selves, orphaning our souls while chasing someone else’s identity.

Philosophy, religion, literature, and psychology have all wrestled with the trap of the perfect self. The idealized self is often seen as a barrier to spiritual growth. “If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.” — Galatians 6:3.

Existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Martin Heidegger warned against bad faith—living inauthentically by conforming to societal ideals instead of embracing one's true self. Interestingly, one of the synonyms for ‘real’—bona fide—literally means in good faith. What you believe about yourself and the word matters.

One of my favourite humanistic psychologists, Carl Rogers, emphasized the importance of congruence between the real self and the ideal self. When there’s a wide gap between those two ‘lands’, people often experience emotional discomfort—a polite code word for a storm of complicated feelings, with shame and suffering frequently leading the charge. But perhaps the saddest consequence of this discrepancy is the loss of authenticity, self-alienation, and a hijacked identity. The loss of yourself is a loss to the world.

This dark side of ambition—and our often to quiet compliance with external expectations—is so tangled and deeply ingrained that it can take a lifetime to truly find yourself. To accept that you may never reach the other side of the bridge, may never push the boulder to the top, does not mean failure. We are not Sisyphus, condemned by the gods to eternal struggle, without choice or hope. We do have a choice—to stop the frantic, never-ending suffering. We can find a different hill, or a lighter rock. Or perhaps choose a valley and a river, or simply camp where we are, making the most of the view around us. Occasionally you may even reach the top.

Perhaps in letting go of being fixed on the far away fairy summit, you begin to see depth of the moment we’re already in. 

You may even find yourself.