growing pains

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

“The only way out is through.” – Robert Frost

Change is inevitable. It's a part of life that we all encounter at some point, whether by choice or circumstance. But quite often underneath our desire for the new, we hide tendency to favour ‘known'. That ‘known’ may not be working for us very well, but it is predictable, hence safe.

‘Growing’ requires entering new territory, requires effort, bravery and risk. It can be very challenging and painful. The prospect of change, even positive change, introduces uncertainty. Suddenly, the safety net of the familiar is gone, and we are thrust into a space where the outcome is unclear. Psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “In any given moment, we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” Safety is one of the most primary instincts of our human existence and for a good reason. The pull to retreat into safety is strong because growth often means confronting difficult truths about ourselves, facing past traumas, or letting go of long-held beliefs. This discomfort can make it feel like we're taking steps backward rather than moving forward. But safety doesn’t mean you have to stay within the set boundaries of your self-concept, of your little piece of land. Safety doesn’t exclude adventure. We crave both. We need both. And often staying in the same situations, same relationships, jobs, narratives is not safe.

Growth means becoming someone you have never been before. Growth means that you don’t want to stay small and static. That’s both exciting and scary. We tend to define ourselves by our past experiences, our roles, or the stories we've been telling ourselves. But when we grow, we challenge those identities. For example, consider someone who has always identified as a “people pleaser.” As they begin to set boundaries and prioritize their own needs, they may experience a sense of loss, almost like mourning an old version of themselves. They might worry, “If I’m not the person who makes everyone happy, who am I?”. This sense of identity loss can create resistance, making the growth process feel like a painful shedding rather than an exciting transformation.

Growth is movement and energy, widening horizons and believing in yourself.

 Another type of internal resistance often comes in the form of our inner critic—the voice inside that tells us we’re not capable of change, that we’re not worthy of a better life. This critic has likely been with us for a long time, perhaps as a defense mechanism to protect us from failure or rejection. But during the process of growth, this voice can become louder, sabotaging our efforts.

“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it,” said Jordan Belfort. Overcoming this internal narrative is one of the greatest hurdles to personal growth. It requires patience, self-compassion, and the ability to challenge the old stories that keep us stuck.

 Personal growth doesn’t happen in isolation—it inevitably affects our relationships. As we evolve, we may find that the dynamics in some of our closest relationships shift. Friends or family who are comfortable with the old version of us might not understand or support our transformation. This can lead to tension or even the loss of certain relationships. “Some people will never support you because they are afraid of what you might become,” says motivational speaker Tony Gaskins. As painful as it is, outgrowing relationships is a natural part of growth. When we honour our own needs, values, and desires, we create space for relationships that truly nourish us.

We would like change to be quick, with smooth transition and low cost, painless, preferably free. Like walking on a sturdy and wide bridge over a beautiful river and with a panoramic view.

But not-growing also involves pain, just a different kind. Pain of hard work and discomfort contains hope and aim that things will get better, that all this risk and effort will eventually make sense and bring safety. Not-growing pain is depressing, demotivating and hopeless. Surviving perhaps but certainly not thriving.

Growth is painful and costly, but it’s also necessary. It challenges us to confront the parts of ourselves we’d rather avoid, to step into uncertainty, and to let go of the familiar. Yet, through these growing pains, we find a deeper sense of self-awareness, resilience, and wholeness. If you're on the path of becoming a better version of you or simply more authentic one, remember that it's okay to struggle, to feel discomfort, and to take your time. The journey is not about perfection, but about progress. And as you continue to grow, you’ll discover that the life waiting for you on the other side of these growing pains is worth every moment of disquiet.