SELF-SABOTAGE: WHO IS YOUR WORST ENEMY?
- Kasia Stewart
- May 5, 2025
- 3 min read
“Usually when we have a problem that is circumstantial, we are facing the reality of life. When we have a problem that is chronic, we are facing the reality of ourselves.” — Brianna Wiest
Have you ever started a project that began to succeed, only to find yourself stopping it? Eaten the third piece of cake after solemnly promising to stay keto? Declined a promotion with very unreasonable excuses? Half-finished a masterpiece? Over-prepared a presentation to the point of paralysis? Picked a fight just when things were going really well in your relationship?
Have you ever… (insert your own example)?If yes, you may be self-sabotaging—or, more simply, (mostly unconsciously) standing in your own way.
‘I remember once applying to a writing residency I had dreamed of for years. I got accepted. I was thrilled—for about two hours. Then I convinced myself I wasn’t ready. I pulled out last minute, telling myself I needed “more time to prepare,” when in truth I was terrified I wouldn’t measure up once I got there. I made it look like a thoughtful decision. But deep down, I knew I’d just sabotaged myself’.
Undermining oneself is a strange and paradoxical concept. It shouldn’t exist. It feels like a crime against the law of nature. We’re supposed to want to grow, take the next step, win, be our best. Seeking our worst self doesn’t help us survive or thrive. It doesn’t make sense to intentionally become less, finish second, fall behind, or stay small…
(Side note: there’s nothing wrong with being second—or even last—in something, if that’s what we truly want or if that’s our personal best. This isn’t a sermon on “survival of the fittest” or perfection. Progress is complex and looks different for each of us.)
So why do we do it?
Perhaps it happens under the guise of ambition or the appearance of effort. And then there’s that moment—you know the one—when, after all the hustle and exertion, you realize you’re back where you started. You notice the same markings on the same tree. You’ve been walking in circles. You feel like the universe is against you, when in truth, you are your biggest obstacle.And only you can make the biggest difference.
‘I once spent six weeks preparing a pitch deck for a business idea. I ran it by mentors, researched deeply, practiced over and over. When the opportunity finally came, I said I was “too tired” to submit it on time. Truth: I was terrified they’d say yes. That yes would mean change. Change would mean letting go of my comfort zone—and the familiar little fears I’d grown weirdly fond of’.
But what could we possibly gain from forsaking our strengths, half-assing our potential, and stopping ourselves from crossing a threshold? Why would progress-oriented beings choose to do that? Is there some kind of payoff?
The simple answer is—yes, there is.
Another part of human nature is that our behaviour usually has a reason. It makes sense. Maybe not the obvious, comfortable, or rational kind of sense—but it does. We make sense.
“In reality, self-sabotage is simply the presence of an unconscious need that is being fulfilled by the self-sabotaging behaviour.” — Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You
There’s so much packed into that one sentence.
Possible reasons:
Fear of success. (Yes, success can be uncomfortable. It is known as Jonah’s complex)
Fear of failure.
Lack of belief in your ability to change.
Being stuck in limiting core beliefs. (“I’m lazy. I have no self-control. I could never do that.”)
Inability to imagine a new version of yourself, even though you crave a vague, perfect picture of change.
Feeling undeserving; deep-seated unworthiness.
Fear of the unknown.
Believing that staying small is safer. (Often a trauma response.)
Fear of losing your identity.
Fear. Fear. Fear.
‘I used to think I procrastinated because I was disorganized. But the truth was, I was terrified to find out whether I was actually good enough—because if I gave it my all and still failed, that would hurt a lot more than just saying, “Well, I didn’t try that hard anyway.” That false safety net kept me stuck for years’.
So no, it’s not necessarily laziness, lack of willpower, or being a “loser”— even if that’s what you usually tell yourself.
It’s fear dressed in many different coats. Fear is a natural part of who we are—it can protect us and keep us safe, but it can also hold us back and keep us small. It’s a double-edged sword. But once you see it—really see it—you can start to talk back to it.Start walking a new path. And leave new markings on a different tree.
Stay tuned for the second part of this post, where we’ll explore how to stop being your own enemy and start becoming your greatest ally.
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